


Abomination

by orphan_account



Series: Supernatural Shorts [7]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Gen, Guilty Sam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-28
Updated: 2013-11-28
Packaged: 2018-01-02 22:17:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1062279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam, of course, is an abomination. (Companion to Strong and Damned Spot.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Abomination

All he's ever done – all he's ever _been_ – is a mistake. Mistake after mistake after mistake, woven into the fabric of his being, like corrupted strands of DNA determining the moral course of his soul. Sam may have once declared himself a member of Team Free Will, but that gets harder to believe in every day, especially as his body continues to deteriorate: the physical reminder of his spiritual rot.  
  
The first thing he had done wrong was to be born (and that wasn't even him being dramatic). Old Yellow Eyes and Gordon Walker had reminded him of that often enough, in the beginning. And now later – _much_ later, when he thought he'd put it all behind him – the intimate knowledge that he was evil was resurfacing. Sam can't help but mentally catalogue his recent sins as he lies in bed, over and over again, like a man obsessively preoccupied with solving a math problem. Sins like letting Dean down, not looking for him and Cas in Purgatory (or even _Kevin_ , the poor kid), making the choice to give up the Life altogether. Combined with his new _(dickish)_ attitude towards Dean, it's no wonder his older brother retreated into the arms of a vampire.  
  
Of course, he'd responded to the news like a petulant brat. _Knocking Dean out and sending a man fresh out of the psychiatric ward after his only friend? A friend who's a dangerous vampire? Who **does** that? If anyone's responsible for Martin's death, it's me. All because I was jealous –_

He cringes when he remembers leaving Amelia's bed, shortly after that. _And to top it all off, I helped a woman cheat on her husband. I never even should have been involved with her in the first place. Didn't you learn anything from Dean and Lisa, Sam?_

His only salvation now is in the Trials. Even if it kills him, Sam'll see them through. He _has_ to. For the good of the entire world, and that of his brother. Dean may still love him (and Sam isn't even entirely certain of _that_ ), but if Sam can make sure that he never has to torture himself killing another meatsuit again, Sam will make it happen. Because Dean deserves to be happy _–_ with or without him.

And after all, can't evil still serve a purpose?

Sam may believe that he's doomed, but he still believes in God. He remembers stories of his heroes: King Arthur, Galahad, seekers of the Holy Grail. Lancelot cuckolded his king, but still served his cause. Judas Iscariot was a traitor who got Christ killed, but because of him, Christ could save repentant sinners. Sam takes a strange kind of comfort in that.

After all, it's the most an abomination like him can hope for.


End file.
